Of which I am neither, but a secret third option.
It seems that my writing hibernates. It's a bit ironic how I was just writing about there being a surprising lack of snow in November, and now I'm writing in February, now that the snow has started to melt. I guess I could blame university for the not-so-sudden delay in getting monthly posts up, but I won't. Instead, I will simply say that it's because nothing notable has happened. But now there are a few things that just barely get across the line of meaningless.
Recently, a content creator I used to watch has come back. Usually, this would make people happy. There is one tiny issue. The creator I watched went on an indefinite hiatus after being accused of abuse by his former girlfriend. Not exactly a person you should be happy is back.
And here's where my morally ill side shows. I don't know how I feel about this. I know what I should feel, abuse is intolerable after all. But I can't seem to get myself to be upset about it. He was a big part of my life, especially during the pandemic, where I was exceptionally impressionable and cringe. I really did love him. It was almost approaching para-social. Though I'm hardly alone or to blame. It's widely regarded that he contributed to his strange, obsessive, fandom’s behaviour.
Also, it's generally accepted that it wasn't the abuse itself, but the response and apology [or lack thereof] that was really problematic.
Currently, my biggest dilemma is with his music. He had always made music, and I liked it. It was usually super humorous, meta songs that would rightfully be considered cringe today. But in 2021, he formed a band. And let me tell you, it was good. So good that I downloaded all their songs and listened to them every day. The songs felt raw and emotional and were so “relatable” to me in a way I didn't actually understand at that age, but I can say are more relatable now. They were indie rock, a genre I had no experience in at the time but would quickly grow to love because of them. Despite everything, I still love the songs. I don't think I should, but I can't help it. Morally, I know it's wrong to be enjoying the creations of an alleged abuser, but I just can't feel any real guilt from it.
To top it off, he's made a content shift since coming back, now moving to, get this, geography edutainment content. It's almost hilarious how this could not be any more up my alley. I find it concerning how well matched his interests are to mine. Him and his band have also restarted making music, planning to release a concept album this year.
Don't get me wrong, dear reader. I'm in no crisis, nor am I experiencing any sort of distress over this. I'm simply wondering how badly I'm in the wrong. Maybe that's a question I will never have answered. At least not until I get older and have my morals realigned with the proper ones. Till then, I'll just stop thinking about this, since It's All Futile! It's All Pointless!
Now, onto some more relatedly miscellaneous things.
I guess talking about that band was a good enough Segway into talking about some more of the music I've recently got into. I was never really a music person in general, let alone rock. I'm still not, but I've recently found the band A Perfect Circle. Now, if you've heard of them, you may be snarking at me, saying that “it's about time.” And to that I have no response. Instead I will continue to name a few of my favorite songs: Blue, The Noose, The Outsider, and of course, 3 Libras. I can't say much on them. I don't really have any personal connection, I just like the very atmospheric nature of the band. American Football, however, I do have a little connection to. Specifically, Never Meant, and But the Regrets Are Killing Me. They help me envision the life I think I was supposed to live, the one I described in Post 4. And yeah, they also kinda just remind me of my friend that I talked about… Anyway, this brings me to the final band I wanted to tell you about, Сова [or Sova if you're an anglicized scum.] They popped up on my feed one day while I was scrolling through xiaohongshu [or RedNote if you're still an anglicized scum], advertising an upcoming tour and show dates for their band. They spoke in Russian, with Chinese subtitles, so I was clearly not the target audience. Then, a montage of their songs came on. I can almost not stress enough how much I love what I heard. I can't say I've heard anything like it, I don't even really know what genre it is. Google tells me postpunk coldwave. I have no clue what that means, but I'll go with it. They're music has a very melancholic tone, even the non-sad songs. What intrigued me the most was the uniquely soviet atmosphere.
Here, dear reader, I think is a good time to confess that, yes, I was a “comrade.” I was one of the many poor young children completely engrossed by the Soviet Union, and by proxy all things Russian. Yes, I knew the history. Yes, I had the red star. Yes, I studied Russian. Yes, I called people comrade. And yes, I read books upon books on the KGB. I was totally infatuated. And it seems that the infatuation has had a resurgence, mostly due to starting my Global Dictators History course in Uni and that new band. I'm currently trying to gatekeep them as much as possible, since I'm a selfish person who doesn't like sharing there I said it.
I think that's enough Slava Rossii for one day, but for the record WE HERE AT BLOG NAME PENDING DO NOT CONDONE VLADIMIR PUTINS ACTIONS IN THE UKRAINE OR CRIMEA. But we also don't particularly like Ukrainian kamikaze drones either…
Now, on to something festive! Ever since I've had a phone, I've always loved to decorate it. Not physically, but digitally through widgets, wallpapers, and themes. Though it was usually just meme stuff that I did specifically to show people and piss them off. But ever since I upgraded my phone from a toolbox with a screen to a toolbox with a screen AND Bixby, I've started to decorate it with more purpose. I've found great joy in decorating my phone to fit a theme or season. Currently, it's Classic Christmas theme, which to me constitutes dark greens and wine reds, with gold as the main accent.
I changed my wallpaper to a dark red Persian carpet, and all of my icons to have a sort of knitted pattern. But that's just the easy stuff. I also changed my keyboard color scheme, adding both light and dark mode palettes, changed the typing sound, and added an effect where every time you tap a key, a snowflake appears like a little footprint. I've also changed my notification sound to that of a sleigh bell, and added a new colour scheme to my sound bar and notification panel. One of my favorite features, though, is my widgets and lockscreen wallpapers. On my home screen, I usually have a few photo widgets that show different pictures when you swipe or on an autocycle. I call them fidget widgets. I also add custom icons for my Music and Messages apps. My lockscreen has 8 different images that it cycles through, first a regular Christmas scene with trees and snow, maybe a carousel, and then WHAM DC Christmas! I have Superman holding a bag of presents, and Flash tied up with a Lantern ribbon… so cute.
I love doing this, but I do want to switch it out to something more casual. But there's a problem. As we've discussed, I'm a data hoard, so letting go of all these images and effects is going to hurt me severely. So that's why I made a “Christmas Theme Pack” for myself. It's really just a notes page with all my images, hex codes, and sound files, so I can recreate it at any moment. Pretty cool. My last casual theme was quite cute, with a pink and green general colour scheme, clovers, polka dots, bread tags, ladybugs… etc.
I'm not 100% sure on what I want to change it to now, but it'll come to me eventually. It always does.
Yeah, I think this is a good spot to end it. Not, like, myself, but this post. I don't plan on killing myself yet. Okay, maybe “yet” was poor wording, I don't plan on it at all but… I guess it's good to keep your options open, Reich? I mean right? Wow. This got awkward fast. And it's entirely my fault, too, considering you're but a humble viewer. Anywho, I will try to catch you on the flip side, but I have no idea when that may be, so hang tight till then.
Thank you, comrade.
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