Look, I'm about to sound so cliche and boring and unoriginal, I promise I'm not pity-baiting or sadfishing, despite how it may sound.
I am almost positive that I am wasting my teenage years, and I can explain.
First and foremost, I am not popular in school. I never really was, though I did often have a pretty tight friend group of around 7 people at its max. Most of my friendships were those of circumstance, since I went to a science-focused middle school and there were barely any girls in my classes anyways.
When I went to high school, I literally had no one. That was alright, I wasn't worried. I thought I'd probably make some friends eventually. So I went through my first year of high school friendless. Then my second. Then my last. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I had nobody, or like I didn't try. I tried plenty. And I had at least one person in almost all of my classes that I could rely on or partner up with. The problem is that all those people had their own friends. Everyone already had a solid friend group.
Of course there were the oddballs. I did happen to meet a girl in Bio class in my first year. Her name was Fernanda, and she was from Guatemala. I asked if I could sit beside her, and she seemed pretty happy with the idea. She loved anime. And I mean loved it. Especially one called Ouran Highschool Host Club. She even got me to watch it. I did enjoy it.
The problem was that all this happened more than halfway through the year. It was practically too late to create any real friendship outside of Bio class.
Now, being friendless isn't my reasoning for saying I'm wasting my teenage years [who needs friends anyway?] But it sure is contributing.
Along with having no friends, I am a loser.
A hermit.
A hikikomori, if you will. But not by choice. I do want to go out. I want to have fun. I want to leave my house and get in trouble and break the law and do something stupid. I just can’t.
For one, I don't know how. And two, I have too much riding on me being a good kid. Yup, I'm a stereotypical child of an immigrant who must do well in school [which I do, by the way] and make their family proud. And I have no problems with that. I would love to be an academic genius who goes on to be a bigtime profesh with my name on a plaque somewhere in silver Times New Roman font, wracking in the dough. I would also like to spend all day outside with a group of teenage delinquents, biking around suburbia and getting gas station slushies until the sun goes down. Or staying inside and sitting in a basement at 10pm in the middle of summer with a fan rotating in the corner, talking about how Coke is better and how DC steamrolls Marvel.
This, I believe, is what teenagehood is filled with. At least that's how it should be. This is what Hunter, a guy I've known for 4 years now, said his life was like. This is what I see when I look online at videos of teenage boys swinging into a suspicious lake from a rope on a tree, posted in 2012 [yes I'm talking about you, Head in the Ceiling Fan.]
And no, I'm not asking for a picture perfect summer filled with romance and beach trips, just something that feels normal. It's not like I'm not trying. I've got a bike or two. Never ride it. I got a skateboard 3 years ago. Never ride it. I listen to American Football. I read the comics. I watch the wrestling. I dress the part.
And yet, here we are. You know what? I think this is all because I am
A girl
African
In a big city
Of course, nothing wrong with any of those things, just that they don't really help when trying to be a nerd delinquent just having fun. At this point I don't even feel like I'm acting nerdy enough to call myself a nerd, I’m just pretending to be a nerd. It's not that I want the whole wide world to know that I'm a nerd, I just want to know that there are people who like what I like, and act how I act.
Here’s the real kicker, I'm practically too late to even live my “dream.” I’m almost 18. Almost an adult. Just thinking about it makes me want to barf. I don't want to think of myself as an adult. I definitely don't feel like one. Then again, it's not like I’m any good at being a teenager. I guess I just wanted to have fun and be a bit whimsical without responsibilities. But now I gotta face the sun and start acting my age. It's unfortunate that I spent all my summers at home, but I can't change the past.
I told you this was gonna sound like sympathy bait.
My last hope is University. Hopefully, I'll meet some people to get into trouble with. I heard it's a good place for that kind of stuff. Anyway that’s all for this post!
Thank you, reader.
No comments:
Post a Comment