Of which I am neither, but a secret third option.
It seems that my writing hibernates. It's a bit ironic how I was just writing about there being a surprising lack of snow in November, and now I'm writing in February, now that the snow has started to melt. I guess I could blame university for the not-so-sudden delay in getting monthly posts up, but I won't. Instead, I will simply say that it's because nothing notable has happened. But now there are a few things that just barely get across the line of meaningless.
Recently, a content creator I used to watch has come back. Usually, this would make people happy. There is one tiny issue. The creator I watched went on an indefinite hiatus after being accused of abuse by his former girlfriend. Not exactly a person you should be happy is back.
And here's where my morally ill side shows. I don't know how I feel about this. I know what I should feel, abuse is intolerable after all. But I can't seem to get myself to be upset about it. He was a big part of my life, especially during the pandemic, where I was exceptionally impressionable and cringe. I really did love him. It was almost approaching para-social. Though I'm hardly alone or to blame. It's widely regarded that he contributed to his strange, obsessive, fandom’s behaviour.
Also, it's generally accepted that it wasn't the abuse itself, but the response and apology [or lack thereof] that was really problematic.
Currently, my biggest dilemma is with his music. He had always made music, and I liked it. It was usually super humorous, meta songs that would rightfully be considered cringe today. But in 2021, he formed a band. And let me tell you, it was good. So good that I downloaded all their songs and listened to them every day. The songs felt raw and emotional and were so “relatable” to me in a way I didn't actually understand at that age, but I can say are more relatable now. They were indie rock, a genre I had no experience in at the time but would quickly grow to love because of them. Despite everything, I still love the songs. I don't think I should, but I can't help it. Morally, I know it's wrong to be enjoying the creations of an alleged abuser, but I just can't feel any real guilt from it.
To top it off, he's made a content shift since coming back, now moving to, get this, geography edutainment content. It's almost hilarious how this could not be any more up my alley. I find it concerning how well matched his interests are to mine. Him and his band have also restarted making music, planning to release a concept album this year.
Don't get me wrong, dear reader. I'm in no crisis, nor am I experiencing any sort of distress over this. I'm simply wondering how badly I'm in the wrong. Maybe that's a question I will never have answered. At least not until I get older and have my morals realigned with the proper ones. Till then, I'll just stop thinking about this, since It's All Futile! It's All Pointless!
